When and Why?

I created this in July 2 years ago. I was too anxious that even a well-known artist friend of mine told me not to judge my own art, just let others feel it, I still gave a damn on others' minds. People who truly understand me always advised me not to be too hard on myself, and yet I wasn't prepared for looking at myself in a way that my beloved others see me. After my visit to Depot Boijmans realizing that things deteriorate real quick... so before this largest artwork of mine dries out/ is gradually affected by humidity, I wanna give myself the greatest thing, i.e. freedom from what others think. I share this to express.

What? 

Emotions need not be all breakdown. It may also be breakthrough. 

By tuning in to my facial expressions that are linked to 7 basic emotions - contempt, fear, happiness, surprise, disgust, sadness - their ubiquity allows myself a deeper, richer experience in every part of my life. I used to think I can selectively block emotion, and 

dampen down disturbing or uncomfortable feelings, but when I repress some of my emotions, I inevitably turn down the volume of all my emotions, denying myself access to the whole of my 

nature. 

How? 

Your new life will cost your old you. Therefore, to love myself openly and unconditionally, I UNLEARN my past experience with remembrance, and LEARN to trust my future with longing. By always remaining open to everything that occurs, rather than labelling my 

arising emotions as “good” or “bad”, I accept all parts of myself. With this knowledge, I now choose to release all barriers to love and embrace myself with colours - as reflected in this largest artwork of mine. Happy face is great, but we also need to accept our “negative” feelings instead of avoiding or repressing them. Rainbow comprises of 7 colours; we should also accept all forms of experiences that keep our mental and physical senses in a state of balance and ease.

Tales of texts behind background: The pain, the beauty: equally acute, equally transfixing. 

I don’t know His plans, but I trust He is looking after me. External voices are for reference 

only. If I’m not happy, I won't refer to them. The “root” of the attitude of keeping a strong 

mind in order to survive is “real thick skin”. There is a strength that will not be crushed by 

unpleasant things, by difficult things. There is a softness that will not give in to 

embarrassment or a difficult situation and will not be discouraged. I have the toughness 

to be able to pick myself up quickly even if I am disappointed or saddened. The openness 

to think “what the heck” in the face of critical voices around you. In other words, a strong 

heart, a soft heart, a tough heart, and an open heart may be said to have been bred on the 

soil of “thick skin”. Say “I don’t care!” to the thoughts below. I used to overthink about the 

smallest things and get annoyed with them? I don’t care! What others say seems to be more 

influential than what I think? I don’t care! Something is stuck in my mind and I just can’t get 

out of it? I don’t care! What do others think about me? I don’t care! I’m afraid that what I am 

going to say may hurt others? I don’t care!

Black text: don't live so tired of yourself because not so many people care about you. Don't underestimate yourself either, if I could I would like to stop, but know that being a human being life passes quickly. If you don't understand, then you will continue to work yourself to death, you should know how troublesome it will be. I want to get well, otherwise it will be very troublesome.

Alfred Adler believe when I feel I am valuable, I have value, then I will have courage. Only when I have committed something that is valuable to my common grounds, then I will feel I have value and thus courage. After that I start to feel that as other people can do it and face hardship, I can face hardship alone as well. I will start to have faith and the energy to combat difficulty. Because bravery means I feel myself capable and valuable. I feel that I am valued, and I am courageous to my common ground. I feel I can tackle my anxiety problem independently. I feel I am valuable to other people

Orange text: Those who have courage have success. Those who lack courage will only fall further and further. Those who have courage are successful and carefree.

Red text: It doesn't matter if you can't get out of it for the rest of your life, because it's meant to be. Maybe God will give you an answer one day and make you understand why you have to be so tired and tortured more than others. You've been through a lot of ups and downs and you will finally have someone to protect you, to love you, to understand that what you need is not a thing, but a sense of security.

Purple word: I don't know if you understand what I'm saying, but kindness is always an option. It's also a choice if you want to be alone with your grief. Maybe it's because you don't want dependence to become a habit, and then losing someone to become your next reason to grieve again. In the long run, you are free to choose. You can come out of the darkness, you can turn the situation around and become a stronger version of yourself. I hope you can be more rational and analyse why the whole thing happened.

Big green text: human flesh is so fragile, talent or something is indeed sometimes pleasant, superficially honourable and eye-catching. If it goes well, you can even make money. But talent is only effective when it is supported by a strong concentration of the body and consciousness. As soon as a screw in the brain or a knot in the flesh snaps, the concentration disappears like the mist of dawn - a toothache or a shoulder pain, for example - and you can't play the piano properly. A tooth decay or a shoulder pain is really all it takes for a beautiful vision and sound to vanish at the drop of a hat. The human body is so fragile, and once it is damaged, it is very difficult to repair. If it is only a tooth decay foot or shoulder pain may still be cured, there are many other things that can not be cured this have to rely on the basis of the front of an inch can not see clearly unreliable talent in the end what is the meaning of it? Talent is still a very illusory thing, that perhaps few people can know, to the end, but what is born from it, sometimes can produce a huge jump in the spirit, beyond the individual to the universal, almost self-reliant phenomenon. Mozart and Schubert died young, as if they had cut their lives short, accepting that the price of premature death was theirs to pay. It's like the TD deal. Whether the deal was with God or the devil is unknown. I have been wishing to die as soon as possible since a long time ago. It's really troublesome to live, and I don't care if I die like this. Although I have not tried to find a way to actively cut off the energy of life, it is possible to accept death in silence. No one can avoid it anyway. There is no way to get a clear and proper picture of death. There is no proper language for death.

Pink text: Don't forget the past, don't forget the past, just get over it, just get over it, if you are stuck in the past then you are just a child whose soul never grows up, find the door and you can cross it, you can be happy, you don't have to force yourself to take care of and protect anyone in your family. The child who has to take responsibility for his parents' life and give up happiness is the most ungrateful child in the world because you are not taking responsibility for your own life.

Dark Blue text : Shame, powerlessness, loneliness, shame, whatever emotion I am holding, no one is my safe haven.

Dark Green text: I've been living with a hidden power but now I want to use it. Power can not lack of awareness, otherwise the mood will therefore fluctuate, the spirit will be scattered, of course, not to look at the face of others do not care, the lack of emotion blindly give can not focus on the work of all the things can not be mum sloppy. The most important thing is that you should be strict with yourself and generous with others. You have to put your own life into perspective and think about the present, not to do things that should not be done. 

You want your art to be seen but you don’t want the vulnerability that comes with your creations being seen? 

I am proud of you for showing up, when it's so much easier not to be witnessed. Creatives have a desire to make 

impact, to be seen, to be understood. It is not an ego driven, shallow attribute. It's a holy, human desire to create 

and connect. But you must validate yourself, acknowledge your own potential and power first. You‘re a valid 

and legitimate creative even if not everyone has appreciated your creations. Know your worth.

No one in this world has an easier life. It’s just that some people fight for their lives publicly;

while some people work hard without others knowing their stories. 

“I was born to draw, not to hate, not to work for money, I was not born to be a workslave.”

“Life is always a joke. Smile, laugh a lot. Life is art. Art is life.”

So what? 

“So what if you lost it? You missed something while you posess something else. Whether it is 

sickness, pain, luck or fortune, do not worry too much. God has plans for you.”

What does love look like when you dream about it? What about the love you give to yourself? 

Is that as much as you give to everyone else?

“Don’t look back in anger, at least not today” - Lyrics from Don't Look Back In Anger by Oasis 

I love that others can feel the presence of the artwork when they enter the room. I like it to be expressive and 

dominating rather than seeing it as discreet or decorative. Feelings are just thoughts in motion in our body. It has no 

power over you. You have to begin to realize what you truly deserve. “Don’t look back in anger, at least not today”

“Not let it go, let it be!” 

Let yourself fully embrace the present moment and see things as it is, rather than letting it go without being aware of 

your own emotions. Feel it with whole acceptance and let things be. Look at what you have, not what you’ve lost. 

We’re always looking for approval. Liking someone is like suffering from a mental illness that is not covered by 

medical insurance. The blue sky is cloudless, the morning light is very bright and it makes you lazy, looking at your 

own body in the bright midday sun, while your soul is still in yesterday‘s dialogue- I feel incredible. When people want 

my warmth, they tell me to go to them, like calling for delivery. They say that even though I’m not beautiful, I have a 

lot of strength. No matter how much I am criticised, sometimes I still want to be loved. Why do you have to live such a

tiring life? You don't have the responsibility to take care of others. It’s hard to be a human being, but you have no 

choice at birth, you just want to die with dignity. Life and death have their own destiny, wealth and prosperity are up 

to God. Why do you care, how imperfect, unable to do anything, I will not blame you, you you, but I will inevitably be 

mean to myself. Everyone has their own path to follow. The pain is only caused by comparison, In fact, life is not 

wasted, why is there dust flying? The world, the earth is big, but the soul is corrupted. It takes all your strength to love 

yourself and accept yourself as you are. Because there are so many situations that we cannot change, we can only 

accept our own defects. Only in this way can we love others as a whole person. Accepting loneliness with all your 

might is also a choice. Being alone is not a shame, don't run away from it. Being alone is not lonely because you just 

enjoy being alone. Believe that everything in the universe happens in its own time. Good things come when we are 

ready; they don't come when we haven't really learnt. The universe has a perfect timing. 

“You're not there when I need love the most.” 

Believe in yourself and trust that we each have our own path and own timing. Courage is feeling capable and worthy. 

Life is not always what it seems. Sometimes it's because of work, relationships, couples and family. We can say that 

life is a series of difficulties. When we encounter them, we have two choices. One is to face it or to run away from it; 

the latter is also known as low self-esteem. Inferiority complexes are used to avoid difficulties, not only can they not 

solve any problems, they can't be avoided when they become more and more inflated. So what should we do?We have 

no choice but to face the hardship! So what should we do? Be like Adler and have the courage to be hated.

Making a drawing, making a painting, making a movie, making a song, with one thing in mind. Why? What is your gift? 

Where is your gift? Is there a way to live forever? How can I kill my ego? How can I crave fear? How can I be a service? 

What are we adding to mankind through our work?

Light purple texts: Leaning on you. As a child, I always thought that my mother's thighs were big. What I didn't know as a child was that when my mum and I were chatting in bed and digging out my earwax, I was also entering an 

unexpected and wonderful world. It was a place where we could fall asleep,laugh, heal, plant hope, and bow our 

heads in gratitude. Before we go to sleep, let's lean together quietly and keep the warmth of home in our hearts. Say 

thank you to those who wait for us, with love, we have a shore to rely on, fearless of the stormy waves outside. Our lifeis also the kind of thing that can not be explained, also illogical. But the only thing that is deeply disturbed is the mind, so don't think about it, don't think about it, just let it happen.

Dark blue texts: Today is the 15th day, no need to pay attention to what happened before the 15th day, no need to 

pay attention to the past. The glorious world will one day fall. A world where only mankind is uniquely prosperous 

will one day fall.

Purple texts: Sadly, I'm not as unconditionally affectionate as I used to be these days. I’m very grateful to him for 

giving birth to me and making money off of me and I think he knows I’m truly grateful but at this point he's also lost 

time with me. He lost my interest in him and almost everything else. Family is included in that “almost everything”. 

Just admit it, as far as my relationship with her is concerned we were each other’s only best friend for many years 

because I always cherished her so much, but that’s true now that I’m no longer an indispensable presence to her.

Light Blue texts: Maybe she's tired of being my confidante, it doesn't work as well as it used to at this point anyway. 

We've all grown up,and each of us is being chased by everyday life. Of course, we’re not in high school anymore, and 

cutting me off has, needless to say, become an internal wound for me, not a shallow one at that. She wasn’t in my life 

anymore but she was always there. All in all, I'm not doing well and I'm losing confidence in myself. I'm so sorry, but 

writing makes me feel like I can be very honest with myself, and by focusing on writing, I can completely forget about 

everything else that’s going on.

Cyan texts: I still want to really go down this road no matter what. I don’t know much about painting, but when I 

look at it with my eyes, draw and write with my hands, I can feel something very strong and similar to my state of 

mind. I hope that my works can be seen by others in some way. I think it's a beautiful thing not to believe in 

something others have told you. Am I possessed by an evil spirit? I can't explain, I can’t seem to get rid of it, and 

every day I am filled with deep sorrow. Time that has passed away has turned into a long sharp fibre piercing through 

my heart. The silent pain came as a column of water that froze my spine. The pain remained in my heart with the same 

intensity. It was as if I had stopped breathing.

Dark green texts: Then I closed my eyes tightly and suffered the pain in silence. Maybe that day I could finally 

accept everything. At the bottom of my soul I understood that the human heart and life are not only united by harmony. 

Instead, they are deeply united by hurt and wound. They are connected by pain, by vulnerability and fragility. There is 

no peace without a cry of grief, no absolution without blood on the ground. There is no face that I have not lost through 

pain, and that is what I am crying for, and that is what I am embracing. This is what is at the root of true reconciliation. 

I am crying in complete silence, if it is convenient, can you hold me? Warm me. I believe that my grandma and some of 

the lost souls really continue to live in various places.

Orange texts: Looking forward to the figure of mutual embrace, it does not matter what anyone think. Now at this 

moment, here, we must embrace each other’s skin as much as possible, to stick close, we must expel the evil spirits. 

Perhaps it is for this purpose that I myself have met different destinies. To find the one it may take a long time, how 

long? How long is “a long time”? How long is a long time to be close to each other? I don't have the self-confidence of 

a woman, and part of me left my family to protect myself. Whether or not I, and my life, will be saved is another 

question, and I've missed a lot of people in the process.

Red texts: For my own convenience, I have deeply hurt many people who have given so much to me. I'm very 

timid and ashamed of myself, but I think everyone has done their part in their own lives. And in the long run, even if 

we made different judgements and chose different actions at the time, even if we had bitter feelings, we could still end 

up in the same place as we are now. I have always felt this way. I have never believed that anyone would like me 

because I have a boring face. I may have a problem with my brain, and it's still a mystery whether I have anything 

like a personality or not. I may have hurt people around me without realising it, and I may have hurt myself in the 

process.

Black texts: Drugs? How dare can you say that stuff works? It's just a mental comfort.

Light Purple texts: Relationships have never been a matter of courtesy.